The stars lean down to kiss you, I lie awake to miss you. ♥
Violet Eyes Turns Brighter

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6.24.2010 jeudi, juin 24, 2010

Silent owns....

Nothing I do could eases the pain,not even putting everything on paper. I knew the truth , just you did Krykry. I kept quiet. I ain't sure how long can i put up with it. I missed you , my dear sister. I missed you so much during the times you left me.It was always a relief when you come to me. I felt secured in your present. Like music or that moment when you cut yourself with a knife and squeeze the skin and no single drop of blood oozes out.

 I hated the hours i spent every night, alone in the dark room, staring at the celling and wishing i could do something about the endless , deep quiet seeping into my bedroom from the desert outside. I clung on my memories of the past, to her hard-edged city persona,clung to it with a death grip , the fear of who she was.My sleep had been filled with nightmare since young. I tried to wash all traces of the nightmare out of my mind so that i could fall back to sleep like a baby.

Sometimes , i actually wished i could or just a moment switch with any child who have a perfect family. Picture of a perfect life. Loving parents,royal friends. All the things I had never wanted  , never thought i needed. It was true, i don't need someone lying beside me , holding her , whispering that he loved me and everything would be okay. I don't need a boyfriend , i didn't need to know if Rina missed her or if Father would ever have a nice chat with me. I don't need these because i got you.

Krykry , you have been guiding me through all these years. My sorrow was not hidden by any anger or pride but fear. I don't want to be someone that is strong neither do i want to take pride in my pains. I don't have the courage to pretend in front of you. My limbs felt like sandbags heavy enough to crush a small child . My skin felt grainy.My eyeballs strained with the intensity of a bulimics and my mouth was dry. I am tired of putting a strong front but crying is not my style.

Your individual pulsing life, the thread of your daily existence woven in and out of my daily life, the dearth of which is keenly felt.I spend every minute wishing you were somewhere else, doing something else but not being with someone else. Perhaps there is something wrong with me.I was Delusional or psychotic or even depressed. The world is just so fuck up. Why cant we die on the same date,  why cant god take pity on us and end our miserable lifestyle.

I remember one of our conversation.

You told me :" There are times when a tree can no longer withstand the pain inflicted on it,and the wind will take pity on that tree and topple it over in a mighty storm.All the other tress who witnessed the evil look down upon the fallen tree with envy. They pray for the day when a wind will end their suffering. I pray for the day when God will end mine."

Tears rolled down my cheeks. I hated myself for not being a good brother or sister all along.It pains my heart when you said those words. I don't want you to left me , i hated the feeling of being alone. I am scared. If you are praying for that please include me as well. I am not going to bear the pain of losing a friend ,a family and a soul mate.